Tuesday, July 22, 2008


I hardly dream. Not just the flying over mountains kinds, you know. I dont think much about the future. What would I be doing same time next year. What will happen 5 years hence. I think it scares me. Thinking about it might ruin its chances of it actually happening. Superstition? Dont know. Come to think of it, every time I have, nothing like it has actually happened. Strengthening my belief that it's best just to keep doing whatever you are supposed to, without thinking that it will eventually yield the results you want it to.

But I've started dreaming again. The same-time-next-year, same-time-6-months-later kind of dreams. Maybe I'm so used to seeing them get shattered that I no longer care if they are. Maybe constantly losing can lend you a certain degree of fearlessness. A confidence even. Maybe the law of averages will finally catch up. May be I've changed.
There's a feeling that things are actually falling into place. A feeling that this is right.

I've started to look at things in a different light. Have been forced to in a way. But its hugely rewarding at times. The vaguest of things are slowly starting to take shape. Sitting in my room and thinking about what I want from my life and why, seemed the most impossible thing to do a few months ago. But almost every day I can find myself scribbling away at the text documents titled "Notes" or "Goals Essay" or "Why MBA". I love talking about it and thinking about it. I keep waiting for those rare moments when something suddenly becomes that bit more clear. They are few and far in between but I'm willing to wait. I'm generally an under confident guy. Those who know me might put it as humility. I guess they are nice people. But I know that at times I find it hard to believe in myself. This time around though, it's different. It's almost like all this while nothing happened because this was in store. And no, its not just about gut feel. It's about doing almost everything that is there to be done. It's about deriving strength from the self. It's about having the knowledge of having seen someone go through it.

I wish I could write about this phase of my life. It's very different from the last ones. But I'm still scared. I would rather have it all in my mind and just do what I'm supposed to do right now.


Nishant said...

good one.

I would say self-confidence has a lot of impact in the things that we dream. And thats why, I would guess you got that back to start dreaming again :)

Shreyas said...

dude did you just jump into my head and steal all my thoughts...thats freaking what i have felt always...great to know that someone else, if not everyone else, is going through it.
by the way there is a distinct frustration coming out in your posts. The melodic rhythm of your writing has been replaced by in your face short sentences. You are becoming more expressive and less artifical. just an observation

Atish said...

@shreyas..its a great feeling when someone can identify with what i write. so thanks for getting me :)
and the in your face, short sentences..I'm So glad u noticed.. yes there's a lot of frustration..but also dreams, that i live with these days..the patience to form long melodic sentences isnt there..but ill take the 'more expressive less artificial' bit for now :)