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Sunday, June 15, 2008

Looking Forward

Life can be overwhelming at times. So many things happening around you. And others that are not. Your life is intertwined with the lives of others. And all of it affects you. Even the smallest ones. Butterfly Effect, I guess.

It seems quite a struggle right now. So much to think about. Introspect. The Whys and the Hows. Every action, every wish has to be backed by logic. There's a lot to be done in the coming months and even thinking about all of it makes me uneasy. Your past tends to have control on your future. And it can be scary thought. The fact that people can and in most cases will, judge you by your past seems right and wrong at the same time. Funnily enough, it keeps me going. At least there is something to look forward to. Something really big.

If I don't make any sense, maybe it would help to inform you that I have to start on my essays soon and can see myself being completely taken over by this "apping" process. I would have to cite instances from my life and work. Leadership experiences at that. Sound coherent and logical with my goals. Be realistic yet stand out from the crowd. I would have to dazzle (maybe not in the same way the hero does in 21 but still!)
And on top of all this, there's me. Playing tricks with myself. One day, I would be beaming with confidence. The next day I would be doubting everything and even convince myself that there's little hope. Thankfully, I come out of the gloom sooner than later.

The enormity of it, the various pieces which would make the jigsaw, that's what gets to me on the worst of days. I don't have a plan B in place. In fact, I'm gambling by not changing what I can because it would not fit into the scheme of things. Then again, just because the stakes are so high, it makes it worthwhile. I feel very alone at times. Having to do everything by myself. Sure there's help around. Sometimes from unexpected quarters too. But it becomes difficult because apart from this whole B School thing, there's nothing else to look forward to. Life, seems to have come to a standstill.

3 comments:

shravan said...

commenting from the BIAL airport man..nothing to do!!! don't worry, the gambling is about to begin :)

sunny said...

Life is like that.... choices, hope, fear... part of life...

Achal said...

[:)] Somtimes the absence of plan B is for better. I was at my best when I did not have a plan B in b school.

And yes, high stakes will make it worthwhile.

Believe me, you are making more conscientious choices than most. I, for example, got in to b school blind folded.