Taking A Walk

A guard talking to his relatives. I know the dialect he's using. A baby crying as his father tries to quieten him. A guy standing on the balcony and talking to his parents at home. Explaining why he wasn't able to call earlier. Too much work, he says. I wonder if thats the real reason. A car goes screaming past me. A couple taking a walk. The TV is on in a house. Some stock market stuff. I think about my stocks for a moment and realize there's no point. The weather is gorgeous. Even by the city's standards.

Long time since I took one of these walks. This one's short though. Hardly 20 minutes. I want to think about my essays but nothing really comes to my mind. Instead I just let it wander. Think about same time, last year. I do a little chain of thoughts thing. But come back after a minute or so. I fast forward to 2009. A thought makes me smile. I head back home.

On Track

I woke up at 6:00 today. That's like a good 3-4 hours before I usually do. I glanced through the text document which had the questions I wanted to ask him. I didnt want to miss anything.
To my frustration, I found his answering machine at the other end of the line. I shut down the computer lid and went back to sleep. Another great beginning to a week, I thought.

We talked for a little over 40 minutes. Yes, I woke up again at 10, checked my mail and found that he would be free. It was awesome. He spoke passionately about his school. Patiently answered my questions (there were quite a few "That's a great question, Atish" in between too!). He made so much sense and more importantly for me, he said that I made sense.

"All the best with the application process, Atish. Call me up or shoot me a mail whenever you have any questions regarding anything."

The B school students I have been talking to have been very helpful. But this morning's conversation was the best so far. It helped me come out of yesterday night's gloom. I think I'm back on track.

Looking Forward

Life can be overwhelming at times. So many things happening around you. And others that are not. Your life is intertwined with the lives of others. And all of it affects you. Even the smallest ones. Butterfly Effect, I guess.

It seems quite a struggle right now. So much to think about. Introspect. The Whys and the Hows. Every action, every wish has to be backed by logic. There's a lot to be done in the coming months and even thinking about all of it makes me uneasy. Your past tends to have control on your future. And it can be scary thought. The fact that people can and in most cases will, judge you by your past seems right and wrong at the same time. Funnily enough, it keeps me going. At least there is something to look forward to. Something really big.

If I don't make any sense, maybe it would help to inform you that I have to start on my essays soon and can see myself being completely taken over by this "apping" process. I would have to cite instances from my life and work. Leadership experiences at that. Sound coherent and logical with my goals. Be realistic yet stand out from the crowd. I would have to dazzle (maybe not in the same way the hero does in 21 but still!)
And on top of all this, there's me. Playing tricks with myself. One day, I would be beaming with confidence. The next day I would be doubting everything and even convince myself that there's little hope. Thankfully, I come out of the gloom sooner than later.

The enormity of it, the various pieces which would make the jigsaw, that's what gets to me on the worst of days. I don't have a plan B in place. In fact, I'm gambling by not changing what I can because it would not fit into the scheme of things. Then again, just because the stakes are so high, it makes it worthwhile. I feel very alone at times. Having to do everything by myself. Sure there's help around. Sometimes from unexpected quarters too. But it becomes difficult because apart from this whole B School thing, there's nothing else to look forward to. Life, seems to have come to a standstill.

My Mornings

I love my mornings. It's a different thing that they start at around 9:30-10:00! Getting up early has been and remains one of my greatest weaknesses. In school, before exams, I used to forgo that last chapter for an extra hour of sleep telling myself that there wouldn't be any questions from it. Statistically, I could say it worked. In college, things weren't any different. Morning classes were meant to be bunked. Here and now, my current employers have made sure that I don't have to change.

Mornings, to me, should be unhurried. And that's what they are in Bangalore. These days, quite often, it begins with an email which sets the tone for the day. A song from a friend, a longish reply to a question asked or one from a US B School student. Yes I am a sucker for long emails.

Having a cup of tea, glancing through the Bangalore Times and the sports page of ToI, changing channels from CNN IBN to Vh1 and MTV, putting on some music (these days its John Mayer) and just standing in the balcony for a minute, I let the day begin slowly. I think a little about what the day holds for me, if I have work at office or not, which match is on in the evening (Thank God for the Euro after the IPL!)

There's a certain freshness, a promise that I have come to associate with these mornings. Nothing out of the ordinary happens. But there's this feel good thing, an expectation even. Also it's one part of the day when my emotions have been constant. In the last couple of months or so, I have oscillated between feeling at ease and good about myself to feeling terribly low and doubting every step I have taken. I know everyone has them but I've had them too often for my own comfort. But almost every morning, I've felt like looking up to something. Its felt like a new beginning.

Last Week

There's so much to write about. But I don't seem to have the patience nowadays. So here goes another of my incoherent posts.
Last weekend, particularly Sunday, was great. Two friends came over from Delhi. Another couple arrived from Hyderabad. One in Bangalore shifted base to our house for three days. No we didnt go out of town on a trip or something. There was a lot of alcohol, insane amounts of hostel/college/life-ke-funde talks over mugs of beer or cups of tea. We had a blast doing nothing.

Sunday started with a breakfast of idli vada and filter coffee. Back home we took turns playing fastest fingers with the TV remote and then finally decide to go for a 4 o'clock show of Jannat.
With eight people giving a running commentary, Jannat turned out to be fun. A typical Bangalore evening greeted us as we got out of the hall. We decided to give our non-Bangalorean friends a taste of Purple Haze.
7 people downed 11 pitchers of beer as we drank from 7:30 to 11. To say that the Residency Road PH is so much better than the Koramangala one would be an understatement. Neil Young, Nirvana, Doors, Floyd, Maiden, Clapton... they played pretty much every thing and the others that I couldn't recognize; even they seemed terrific as we got high. The three smokers in our group finished around twenty cigarettes in the meantime. Next day one of my friends from Delhi said that the music Did get to him even though he hardly listens to Rock. Purple Haze, had lived up to its reputation.

The guys started leaving by Monday evening and from Tuesday it was back to work. Four days of no office, no MBA stuff. Yes, there were periods when I talked about the more important stuff going on in our lives with my friends. Catching up, sharing details. But it was more of a let out than anything else. We were happy to have made this little reunion.