Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Just Another Post

Thoughts keep swirling in my head these days. Mostly when I'm on my bike. More so when I'm coming back home late and the roads are empty. For the last week or so, everyday, I have composed a post in my mind only to come back home and not at all feel like writing or even thinking about it anymore. Don' t really know what it is. Maybe it's the night. I have come to dislike them. They tend to make me very inactive and gloomy. Days seem so much better now.
Reminds me of these lines from a song.

The days are better, the nights are still so lonely

I've begun to find things in my job which I like. Strange, right. Because it has happened because of this whole process I'm going through to get me out of it and start a new journey. Even for the introspective guy that I am, this has been quite a revelation. I won't bore you again by repeating what this process has come to mean to me but I think it has given me a very very different perspective on most things. I am more comfortable with my self. I am not satisfied though. Far from it. And I remember the conversation I had with a friend over the weekend. About what our friends and families expect from us. What we, expect from ourselves. About batchmates and juniors getting 'ahead'. About 'wasting' quite a few years of our lives in chasing something which doesn't seem so real now. About winning and achieving. About things evening out in the long run.

In some ways, I'm not happy with myself. I have not achieved the targets I had set . And I have no illusions about it. I do not like to talk about those topics. They make me uncomfortable. But I don't want to jump from one uncertainty to another. And right now, I think I know a lot more about what I want to do and why this entire thing of not living up to expectations was in a way necessary.

I know a lot of this talk comes from the belief that things will go the way I expect them to. And right now, I would want to keep it that way.

Things have started to happen actually. Little ones. A push here and a nudge there. A friend giving an idea, a colleague coming up with an impressive point for an essay. Like I have said earlier, I'm quite liking this part of my life. I don't know how it will end. And even though I'm not quite the quotation fan as this guy, yet this one's too close to my beliefs.

Stupidity consists in wanting to reach conclusions. We are a thread, and we want to know the whole design. - Gustave Flaubert

P.S. I just read this again and it sounds nothing like the way I used to write. Anyway..

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