Of Home and Conversations With Mom & Dad

Home has been good so far. The 'goals' essays hasn't yet come up though there has been slight progress. What's been particularly relieving and almost a surprise has been the conversations I've had with my parents. It's not that I didnt talk to my parents. But of late I had run out of topics. I didn't know if I should be troubling them with my worries and fears. And since there were so many of them, I mostly kept quiet, chatting about inconsequential things and getting my mother to complain that I had become a big bore. This time around though, I had a heart to heart talk with her. About things which I hadnt told her before. Things which are very close to me. It was nice. It eased me. No, she didn't come up with any miraculous solution to my problems, but I trust you to know what I mean. And of course we talked about Bangalore and my friends.

With dad, it was more professional. We talked about the schools I am applying to and the merits of an US MBA. My dreams. This over a few pegs of Absolut Vodka. I made him give me some points on the background/values essays (I mean who better than my dad to do it, right!) and we did come up with some pretty good points. And themes. This was over a glass of Red Wine. And of course, there was the usual talk of values, money, dreams, hopes, failures, friends, relatives. And I did my this-time-next-year thing to which he went ahead and did something like this-time-3-years-hence and what not.

I'm not the kind who is particularly fond of quotes. I like them. They even get stuck at times. And I've tried to maintain a list at different times in my life. But I came across this diary my dad showed to me. He's written down some stuff. A few incidents. Some thoughts. And there were some quotes at the end of it. Some, as I said, stuck.

Words are, of course the most powerful drug used by mankind - Kipling

Never apologize for showing feelings. When you do so, you apologize for the truth - Benjamin Disraeli

Dreaming

I hardly dream. Not just the flying over mountains kinds, you know. I dont think much about the future. What would I be doing same time next year. What will happen 5 years hence. I think it scares me. Thinking about it might ruin its chances of it actually happening. Superstition? Dont know. Come to think of it, every time I have, nothing like it has actually happened. Strengthening my belief that it's best just to keep doing whatever you are supposed to, without thinking that it will eventually yield the results you want it to.

But I've started dreaming again. The same-time-next-year, same-time-6-months-later kind of dreams. Maybe I'm so used to seeing them get shattered that I no longer care if they are. Maybe constantly losing can lend you a certain degree of fearlessness. A confidence even. Maybe the law of averages will finally catch up. May be I've changed.
There's a feeling that things are actually falling into place. A feeling that this is right.

I've started to look at things in a different light. Have been forced to in a way. But its hugely rewarding at times. The vaguest of things are slowly starting to take shape. Sitting in my room and thinking about what I want from my life and why, seemed the most impossible thing to do a few months ago. But almost every day I can find myself scribbling away at the text documents titled "Notes" or "Goals Essay" or "Why MBA". I love talking about it and thinking about it. I keep waiting for those rare moments when something suddenly becomes that bit more clear. They are few and far in between but I'm willing to wait. I'm generally an under confident guy. Those who know me might put it as humility. I guess they are nice people. But I know that at times I find it hard to believe in myself. This time around though, it's different. It's almost like all this while nothing happened because this was in store. And no, its not just about gut feel. It's about doing almost everything that is there to be done. It's about deriving strength from the self. It's about having the knowledge of having seen someone go through it.

I wish I could write about this phase of my life. It's very different from the last ones. But I'm still scared. I would rather have it all in my mind and just do what I'm supposed to do right now.