What if your best is not good enough. Not that you can define best in this case. I mean theoretically, I could have always done better. Started earlier. Thought more clearly. Done things differently. Right? But you know what I mean. What if even after all this effort I end up where I started from.
The essays are coming okay and nothing unusual happened today. I'm still the optimistic applicant I was a few days ago but for some reason, this thought came to me today. Really, till now I have not even thought about what happens if all this comes to a big nought.
Ignorance or otherwise, most of my friends think that I have already put much more effort than they have heard people putting. And I have enjoyed it actually. If for nothing then for having a different answer to 'aur, kya chal raha hai be aaj kal..' . And also because it makes sure that I haven't had to worry about how to spend my weekends and evenings. In short, it has kept me occupied. And if you are thinking what's so great about that, well, ask some of my friends. They will tell you about the virtue of being occupied. By anything.
Coming back, I really wish that there was someone who knows me, who knows about this process and what it takes, and who would take a look at the drafts I have and say something like 'Not bad.....kaafi achche hain drafts.' The few to whom I have randomly thrown questions like 'Give me 3 things you would like to improve upon professionally' or 'Has growing up in Bokaro had any impact on the person you are today' or more demanding ones like 'Tell me what according to you was a very challenging time for me'; have been quite helpful in their replies. But sometimes the enormity of this process just makes me go numb. Content, structure, theme, tone, dazzle-out-factor, personal touch, anecdotes, coherence, transitions, uniqueness..... How do I take care of all this! And even if I think I have it in place, how do I know I'm right! Then I visit people's LinkedIn profiles and wonder why on earth would someone give me an admit! Ya, it can be a very very very humbling experience.
Anyway, enough of it. Bottom line is that this process can get to your nerves. Even when the going is good. It has this ability to take over you life. And sometimes you feel like having some sort of an assurance. That things will work out. That there will be that push from somewhere which will make the difference between a 'there' and 'not quite there'. So till then, it's back to how my 'unique background, values, activities and leadership experiences' will make an earth shattering difference to whichever school admits me. It's funny actually!