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Thursday, July 27, 2006

Lose Control

No, it's nothing to do with the RDB smash hit number except maybe for the fact that I can relate more to the College ke andar hum zindagi ko nachaate hain, College ke bahar zindagi hum ko nachaati hai .. quote. It's been a feeliing that has been prevalent for quite some time now. Why am I doing what I am doing.

Call it a repercussion of not getting what was my first choice as life after graduation, or the fact that throughout my life I have never been very good at anything. Nothing seems to excite me for long and it spans all realms of my known world from computer science to geography (my favourite sublect in school), from literature to music. I have never been able to master any thing, never gained supreme authority even over one small topic; not one musical instument, not one author, not one language (and this includes english, hindi and bengali). Until now it didn't matter, or maybe it did but I didn't feel it. Till yesterday my familiarity with most things was my strength. Today, viewed from a different angle I feel shallow. Suddenly I am not sure what I want to do with my life.

Do I want to be software engineer (actually I am already supposed to be one). Do I want to be an investment banker. Do I give CAT this year. What if I don't like management and fail miserably. What about a job change. Do I actually want to do a job, any job. If not then what. Why can't I do something else.

All those "Where do you see yourself 5/10 years down the line......" questions seem to make so much sense now. Here I am sitting in my office with nothing much to do, spending most of the day surfing the net, chatting and reading some documents, wondering, is this what I am meant to do, is this my life. It's not that I despise it. That would have made things easier. Worse, I am nowhere close to the solution. I have seen my batchmates and fellow bloggers follow this path of introspection throughout their professional career (which is one year) and get nowhere near the answer. Then again sometimes I let go of all this and say to myself "What the hell, just do what comes your way and try to make the most out of it. That's what you are supposed to do....". So there are these two voices in my head, much like the friend and the fiend in Launcelot Gobbo's comic Scene in The Merchant Of Venice and I can't make out whom to follow. Sometimes I think that whatever I do (for a living that is), if I consider it the means to achieve the ends (which are things that I love to do, some of which would require me to be financially independent) then all's well. On the other hand the second voice tells me it's the journey that counts and not the destination so if the means itself are not worth the pains the ends never will be.

Why am I not good at anything. I see people all around me, my friends mostly, who are very good at something and it ranges from various aspects of computer science to physics (mainly optics), from running a factory, working 6.75 days a week to being doctors. I hope I soon find my calling in life and when I do I hope to have the courage to follow it. For a third voice in me says that there are no ends and means, there's only one thing and that is Life.


9 comments:

behindcloseddoors said...

i can relate....the career introspection has begun!! very beautifully put :)....by the way i got a new job, with grail research, and i am not very sure what i do with the offer :)

atish said...

congrats on the new job ... whr is it ?

behindcloseddoors said...

noida only...

zubin said...

The best thing is everyone feels the same way. You might not realise it right now, as the initial days in a job are pretty introspective times, but all those friends you look upto also have some sense of insecurities.
You dont have to be the best in anything. About MBA, and not liking management, even if you dont like it, its something that will stand you in good stead in life. Quite unlike engineering. Its the belief I am surviving on. :). And no U dont wanna be an investment banker, but once u go for an MBA, everyone shall expect you to become one, so maybe you shall do it. Just like you, and everyone else that you know, has done.
Life is a big vicious circle, and amost everyone gets caught in it. Dont think about it too much. And well, finally, it sounded so much true to heart post. Senti..good good, you are becoming a writer in my mould. Touche. :D

Anonymous said...

hey...i think i can help u:d...why dont u marry now...u will have an aim in life(and lot more:d)..guess who's this:d

atish said...

hmmm...not a clue about who u r.... but if you could provide me with some more help rather than just the advice (& i mean the implementation part) .. that wud be gr8 :D

Caliguliminix said...

I complete agree is Zubbu, everyone feels the same way no matter which point of life you are at. Just being good in a field does not necessarily mean that one has found his/her calling in life. Being good in optics has not (yet) helped me in deciding what I want to do with the rest of my life :-).

I think such introspection is good and helpful in knowing oneself better, but in the end I feel that one just shuts these thoughts out of ones mind and take life as it comes.

Anonymous said...

Ok then...i'll talk to ur parents then...if u have any particular choice then do tell me....:D...atleast make a guess who i cud be..

atish said...

at least drop a hint ....o/w there's no way ...