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Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Koi na yaar....

I had planned this post days back. It's just that I had hoped it to be different.

What do you do when something you have been really looking forward to for almost a year doesn't happen; when something that actually interested you and made you work hard for the first time in five years goes completely awry; when you are made to realise that your estimation of yourself doesn't at all tally with the powers that be?

I started with blaming my luck. Thereafter it veered towards the fact that what I had done (or rather not done) here being a major factor in convincing those who matter what I could do in the future. It was one of the worst days in my life and it was not because I hadn't tasted failure before. On the contrary I have had quite a few, but on most occasions either it didn't matter to me too much or I was expecting it anyways. This time though the feeling was different. It was a feeling of emptiness. I was sad because lot of people had expectations from me, I was sad because I had been unable to stand up to myself, I was sad because I had thought that finally, this would be my day, I was sad because I had given it my best shot and that had not been good enough. For months I had seen people around me achieve what they want (which is mostly getting jobs, and good ones at that), sometimes even more than that, and while I was always happy and proud to revel in their delight, for once I had hoped myself to be at the other end, to be the one being congratulated and not the one simply congratulating. Not that I didnt have my chance at all. It's just that my first reaction or thought on getting a job (which was modest by the standards set this year) was the hope that I wouldn't have to join it. It was not a feeling of elation , it was one of relief. All my planning, right from staying here in the summers last year to choosing my project guide seemed to add up to zilch. My friends and family did their bit to console me by staying as normal as they could and by the end of the day I had lost count of the number of times I had heard "Koi naa yaar.. Chill reh.. agli bar nikaal lio..." Everything they said was right; one even laughed with me about the exact same situation he was in last year and I couldn't help but laugh along with him; but though I laughed at the jokes and tried to stay as normal as I could, the fact was that I was feeling terribly low. To be very candid I don't know why, but I had never expected this to happen even in my scariest nightmares. Maybe I had expected too much, maybe I didnt't deserve it in the first place and had simply been carried away by what my friends and family made me believe, which, for all practical purposes, could have been nothing but a confidence buliding measure and not a true reflection of my worth. I don't want to go into any sort of post mortem here because that's to me useless and not the purpose of writing this post.

It's almost a day after the first result came out and the shock has slowly started to subsidise. From tomorrow it's going to be work as usual. Maybe I had put too much into this entire exercise, maybe I am just one of those fellows who is never satisfied, wants everything and is unnecessarily brooding over something which won't matter much in the long run. I really don't know. It's just that this is the way I am feeling right now, quite shattered.
Sometimes I even feel that a miracle would happen and the authorities would realise that they have made a mistake! Gosh I am desperate and a bad looser.

By the way the IIM final calls were declared today though this post has nothing to do with it.

10 comments:

pseudonym said...

[hug]

"—but there is no competition—
There is only the fight to recover what has been lost
And found and lost again and again: and now, under conditions
That seem unpropitious. But perhaps neither gain nor loss.
For us, there is only the trying. The rest is not our business."

(from TS Eliot...)

if you want, you cd read the rest here..

http://www.allspirit.co.uk/coker.html

take care.

atish said...

"For us, there is only the trying. The rest is not our business"... very true pseudonym.... but for once it would have felt nice to gain something from it.

pseudonym said...

seem to have offended you. not my intention. nothing i/anyone can say will mak any difference im sure. so i guess all i can say is, take care... everything else would sound trite.

zubin said...

The best thing about life is that nothing is ever too important. In the end, it doesnt even matter. What matters is who you are, and NOT what you are.
And needless to say, nice post. But now looking back, I think the past five years have given us more than we could ever hope. Think about it :)

atish said...

You didnt offend me in any way pseudonym...and yeah zubin what u say could not be truer... the last five years have been the best in my life.
Thanks for the comments, thanks a lot.

Anonymous said...

Never let your successes/failures steer your way in making a judgment of yourself my friend... These are parameters on which others judge you; and these are not always the best of judgments. Know what you are irrespective of all these events, and then you will also know what was undeserved and what was sheer bad luck! This might not sooth you in bad times, but it definitely is the best consolation for the soul to know that things happened the way they did because of factors you are not responsible for. :-)

suhas said...

This is the first time I would be commenting on any blog, but this is something I do feel strongly about. I would agree with anonymous, how others judge you on the basis of a short acquaintance is not something that should count for much, there are too many factors, permutations, combinations on which the result depends. you yourself and perhaps people who have known you for some time are much better judges. testimonials on orkut are probably much more important to me than any gradesheets or exam results would be. Also, out of the three people I know closely enough to make statements about them, one got one call in two years and two got none, and if that is anything to go by, I do not think that the failure was on their part.

Anonymous said...

i love u tatun anywayz..and wud always love u:)..and that is all that matters...who u r n not what u r...right said zubu babes.

Ashwani said...

what matters is that you did what all you could.

Shreyas said...

hehe i dont know if i have much to add whats been said so far...but i guess again ppl are trying to console you...as a sportsman i believe in giving it my best and forget it if doesnt work, but the realisation that even your best is not good enough is tantalizing at times, and the worst part is that you see others do it, but you put in ur best effort and fail...i would say dost BTDT...or BTST rather...hehe....but in the end i would say...koi na yaar agle saal nikal rahe hain ;)