I had planned this post days back. It's just that I had hoped it to be different.
What do you do when something you have been really looking forward to for almost a year doesn't happen; when something that actually interested you and made you work hard for the first time in five years goes completely awry; when you are made to realise that your estimation of yourself doesn't at all tally with the powers that be?
I started with blaming my luck. Thereafter it veered towards the fact that what I had done (or rather not done) here being a major factor in convincing those who matter what I could do in the future. It was one of the worst days in my life and it was not because I hadn't tasted failure before. On the contrary I have had quite a few, but on most occasions either it didn't matter to me too much or I was expecting it anyways. This time though the feeling was different. It was a feeling of emptiness. I was sad because lot of people had expectations from me, I was sad because I had been unable to stand up to myself, I was sad because I had thought that finally, this would be my day, I was sad because I had given it my best shot and that had not been good enough. For months I had seen people around me achieve what they want (which is mostly getting jobs, and good ones at that), sometimes even more than that, and while I was always happy and proud to revel in their delight, for once I had hoped myself to be at the other end, to be the one being congratulated and not the one simply congratulating. Not that I didnt have my chance at all. It's just that my first reaction or thought on getting a job (which was modest by the standards set this year) was the hope that I wouldn't have to join it. It was not a feeling of elation , it was one of relief. All my planning, right from staying here in the summers last year to choosing my project guide seemed to add up to zilch. My friends and family did their bit to console me by staying as normal as they could and by the end of the day I had lost count of the number of times I had heard "Koi naa yaar.. Chill reh.. agli bar nikaal lio..." Everything they said was right; one even laughed with me about the exact same situation he was in last year and I couldn't help but laugh along with him; but though I laughed at the jokes and tried to stay as normal as I could, the fact was that I was feeling terribly low. To be very candid I don't know why, but I had never expected this to happen even in my scariest nightmares. Maybe I had expected too much, maybe I didnt't deserve it in the first place and had simply been carried away by what my friends and family made me believe, which, for all practical purposes, could have been nothing but a confidence buliding measure and not a true reflection of my worth. I don't want to go into any sort of post mortem here because that's to me useless and not the purpose of writing this post.
It's almost a day after the first result came out and the shock has slowly started to subsidise. From tomorrow it's going to be work as usual. Maybe I had put too much into this entire exercise, maybe I am just one of those fellows who is never satisfied, wants everything and is unnecessarily brooding over something which won't matter much in the long run. I really don't know. It's just that this is the way I am feeling right now, quite shattered.
Sometimes I even feel that a miracle would happen and the authorities would realise that they have made a mistake! Gosh I am desperate and a bad looser.
By the way the IIM final calls were declared today though this post has nothing to do with it.