On Track

I woke up at 6:00 today. That's like a good 3-4 hours before I usually do. I glanced through the text document which had the questions I wanted to ask him. I didnt want to miss anything.
To my frustration, I found his answering machine at the other end of the line. I shut down the computer lid and went back to sleep. Another great beginning to a week, I thought.

We talked for a little over 40 minutes. Yes, I woke up again at 10, checked my mail and found that he would be free. It was awesome. He spoke passionately about his school. Patiently answered my questions (there were quite a few "That's a great question, Atish" in between too!). He made so much sense and more importantly for me, he said that I made sense.

"All the best with the application process, Atish. Call me up or shoot me a mail whenever you have any questions regarding anything."

The B school students I have been talking to have been very helpful. But this morning's conversation was the best so far. It helped me come out of yesterday night's gloom. I think I'm back on track.

Looking Forward

Life can be overwhelming at times. So many things happening around you. And others that are not. Your life is intertwined with the lives of others. And all of it affects you. Even the smallest ones. Butterfly Effect, I guess.

It seems quite a struggle right now. So much to think about. Introspect. The Whys and the Hows. Every action, every wish has to be backed by logic. There's a lot to be done in the coming months and even thinking about all of it makes me uneasy. Your past tends to have control on your future. And it can be scary thought. The fact that people can and in most cases will, judge you by your past seems right and wrong at the same time. Funnily enough, it keeps me going. At least there is something to look forward to. Something really big.

If I don't make any sense, maybe it would help to inform you that I have to start on my essays soon and can see myself being completely taken over by this "apping" process. I would have to cite instances from my life and work. Leadership experiences at that. Sound coherent and logical with my goals. Be realistic yet stand out from the crowd. I would have to dazzle (maybe not in the same way the hero does in 21 but still!)
And on top of all this, there's me. Playing tricks with myself. One day, I would be beaming with confidence. The next day I would be doubting everything and even convince myself that there's little hope. Thankfully, I come out of the gloom sooner than later.

The enormity of it, the various pieces which would make the jigsaw, that's what gets to me on the worst of days. I don't have a plan B in place. In fact, I'm gambling by not changing what I can because it would not fit into the scheme of things. Then again, just because the stakes are so high, it makes it worthwhile. I feel very alone at times. Having to do everything by myself. Sure there's help around. Sometimes from unexpected quarters too. But it becomes difficult because apart from this whole B School thing, there's nothing else to look forward to. Life, seems to have come to a standstill.

My Mornings

I love my mornings. It's a different thing that they start at around 9:30-10:00! Getting up early has been and remains one of my greatest weaknesses. In school, before exams, I used to forgo that last chapter for an extra hour of sleep telling myself that there wouldn't be any questions from it. Statistically, I could say it worked. In college, things weren't any different. Morning classes were meant to be bunked. Here and now, my current employers have made sure that I don't have to change.

Mornings, to me, should be unhurried. And that's what they are in Bangalore. These days, quite often, it begins with an email which sets the tone for the day. A song from a friend, a longish reply to a question asked or one from a US B School student. Yes I am a sucker for long emails.

Having a cup of tea, glancing through the Bangalore Times and the sports page of ToI, changing channels from CNN IBN to Vh1 and MTV, putting on some music (these days its John Mayer) and just standing in the balcony for a minute, I let the day begin slowly. I think a little about what the day holds for me, if I have work at office or not, which match is on in the evening (Thank God for the Euro after the IPL!)

There's a certain freshness, a promise that I have come to associate with these mornings. Nothing out of the ordinary happens. But there's this feel good thing, an expectation even. Also it's one part of the day when my emotions have been constant. In the last couple of months or so, I have oscillated between feeling at ease and good about myself to feeling terribly low and doubting every step I have taken. I know everyone has them but I've had them too often for my own comfort. But almost every morning, I've felt like looking up to something. Its felt like a new beginning.

Last Week

There's so much to write about. But I don't seem to have the patience nowadays. So here goes another of my incoherent posts.
Last weekend, particularly Sunday, was great. Two friends came over from Delhi. Another couple arrived from Hyderabad. One in Bangalore shifted base to our house for three days. No we didnt go out of town on a trip or something. There was a lot of alcohol, insane amounts of hostel/college/life-ke-funde talks over mugs of beer or cups of tea. We had a blast doing nothing.

Sunday started with a breakfast of idli vada and filter coffee. Back home we took turns playing fastest fingers with the TV remote and then finally decide to go for a 4 o'clock show of Jannat.
With eight people giving a running commentary, Jannat turned out to be fun. A typical Bangalore evening greeted us as we got out of the hall. We decided to give our non-Bangalorean friends a taste of Purple Haze.
7 people downed 11 pitchers of beer as we drank from 7:30 to 11. To say that the Residency Road PH is so much better than the Koramangala one would be an understatement. Neil Young, Nirvana, Doors, Floyd, Maiden, Clapton... they played pretty much every thing and the others that I couldn't recognize; even they seemed terrific as we got high. The three smokers in our group finished around twenty cigarettes in the meantime. Next day one of my friends from Delhi said that the music Did get to him even though he hardly listens to Rock. Purple Haze, had lived up to its reputation.

The guys started leaving by Monday evening and from Tuesday it was back to work. Four days of no office, no MBA stuff. Yes, there were periods when I talked about the more important stuff going on in our lives with my friends. Catching up, sharing details. But it was more of a let out than anything else. We were happy to have made this little reunion.

Emily Gould - Blogging At Its Extreme

I've been reading this : (it's Long, by the way!)

...they like the idea that there’s a place where a record of their existence is kept — a house with an always-open door where people who are looking for you can check on you, compare notes with you and tell you what they think of you. Sometimes that house is messy, sometimes horrifyingly so. In real life, we wouldn’t invite any passing stranger into these situations, but the remove of the Internet makes it seem O.K.

..The will to blog is a complicated thing, somewhere between inspiration and compulsion. It can feel almost like a biological impulse. You see something, or an idea occurs to you, and you have to share it with the Internet as soon as possible. What I didn’t realize was that those ideas and that urgency — and the sense of self-importance that made me think anyone would be interested in hearing what went on in my head — could just disappear.

And this is from another one of her blogs

When you write about things as they’re happening — which is what most people do on blogs — you lose perspective, or rather, your perspective shrinks, so that only a tiny slice of your reality gets recorded. The cumulative impact of several months’ worth of posts can lead to an entirely different conclusion than a few snippets taken out of context. This is the danger of blogging and also its seductive charm. It’s so easy and fun to report on your current state of mind and your opinions, especially when you have strong feelings, and strong feelings are also fun to read about.

The Sound Of "Strings"

I've always liked their sound. Faisal's got a very manly voice. I like his tone too. And Bilal's short, melodic guitar licks have always made me smile. It's never anything complicated but he invariably gets the rock-ish distortion right.

Like everybody else, my introduction to Strings was through Duur. I remember the cassette that I owned. It had Lucky Ali, Strings, Euphoria and some other 'Indi-Pop' bands. It was a treasured possession.
Then there was the other song. Anjaane. It was the song which made me realize the power of Barre Chords. Suhas and I used to sing that song, taken especially by the damping rhythm we could generate. It didnt sound anything like the original. But on his Signature acoustic, we did our own version. And we loved it.

Titliyan - It's easily the most melodic song from their latest album 'Koi Aane Vala Hai'. The guitar and the flute combine to create an amazing bittersweet effect. It's a very 'Indian' tune packaged with a persistent bass, distorted guitar riffs and strong drum beats. Sounds great to me.

dil tha khilauna
chalo toot gaya
kya kahein

koi saathi tha
jisse chaha tha
vohi loot gaya
kya kahein

titliyan yadoon ki
udti jae
lamhon me mujhse kuch
kehti jayein .....

Humsafar is another track which I like more than the rest. But I will leave it to you to find it out if you really want to.

The album's nothing great but it shouldn't do very badly either. It's definitely got that 'Strings' touch to it. For the next few days, it should keep me entertained.

P.S. And yes, I know they are a Pakistani Band and these are not the only songs by them that I enjoy listening to.

I'm just out to find...

I can't stand to fly
I'm not that naive
I'm just out to find
The better part of me

I'm more than a bird:I'm more than a plane
More than some pretty face beside a train
It's not easy to be me

Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home I'll never see

It may sound absurd:but don't be naive
Even Heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed:but won't you concede
Even Heroes have the right to dream
It's not easy to be me

Up, up and away:away from me
It's all right:You can all sleep sound tonight
I'm not crazy:or anything:

I can't stand to fly
I'm not that naive
Men weren't meant to ride
With clouds between their knees

I'm only a man in a silly red sheet
Digging for kryptonite on this one way street
Only a man in a funny red sheet
Looking for special things inside of me

It's not easy to be me.

I'm no superman. And I don't know of anybody who is. But some of the lines still ring true.
At times, its nice to go back to a song you listened to long ago and like it all over again.

Day After Day

A little something gained. A little something lost.
A little pain remembering what could have been. A smile thinking about what can be.
An incident from the past which makes you smile. A sudden flash of the future which makes you doubt.
Fear of the unknown. Comfort in ignorance.
A small window to dream about the next year. One to feel the restlessness of the present.
A moment when everything feels alright. The more prolonged feeling of 'I'm not meant to be doing this'
A new song loved. An old one hated.
A step closer. A step farther.

Evey day brings countless possibilities. A chance to dream. A moment to ponder.

Taking a Break

Yes, I know that of late I have come to dislike the 'soft-acoustic guitar-sentimental lyrics' kind of songs (and Rohan would vouch for that more than anybody else) but this one just cant be Not liked.
So taking a break from my Blues/Classic Rock playlist, here's James Taylor for you.

Never Die Young
Love what he says at the beginning.

Fire And Rain
The minute long applause at the end is totally deserved. I wish I was there.

As with most such songs that I like, listen when there's no noise, preferably with your headphones. And have a look at the lyrics too.
And I wont even bother to do my usual 'sublime guitar blah blah blah' thing. Just listen to the songs. You will know.

Maddu thanks for the intro!

The Rear View Mirror

A casual glance over the shoulder was all that was required. My dad's Bajaj Super didn't have any rear view mirrors. In Bokaro, you didn't need one. I, didn't need one.

As I looked at the right rear view mirror to make sure that the Tata Indica wasn't going to hit me, I noticed a tiny grasshopper sitting on it. Traffic was heavy and we were approaching a signal. I wondered how long it would be able to hold on. The light turned to green and I quickly changed gears to move ahead of the menacing trucks which were slowing down the traffic. My speedometer read a little less than 80. The insect was clinging on to the mirror with all its might. A couple of minutes later, I was at the basement of my office building, parking my bike. It was still there. Not holding on as tight as it had been a few minutes earlier, but still there.

I can't imagine riding without one. Its too scary. Each second brings so many decisions to be made. Each glance, each little swerve has to be carefully done. It wasn't always like this. On my dad's Bajaj Super, it was simpler. Often there wasn't even the need to look back.

What if life came with a rear view mirror. To see how far is somebody whom you left behind. To see who's coming up to you. To maybe slow down a little at times. To have a different perspective, if not anything else.

I half expected the tiny grasshopper to be still there when I came back in the evening. It wasn't. But I wondered about the view it must have got from there.